Good Bi Valentine

Excerpt:

Elio asked, “Would you videotape us?”

I nearly did an orange juice spit-take. “Videotape you? Doing what?”

This was such a sweet, shy couple. They couldn’t possibly be asking what I thought they were asking.

Natalie lifted a camcorder out of the mauve and dark purple backpack she’d brought into my apartment. “We tried to do it ourselves, but we ended up filming the wall and then the ceiling, and then the third time the whole thing was just a blurry shot of Elio’s butt. We can’t seem to get it right on our own. We just need someone to hold the camera and keep it on us.”

“And maybe get some close-up shots?” Elio added.

“You mean you want me to film you having sex?” I tried very hard to make it sound like I was only clarifying, not to criticizing.

The pair giggled and nodded in unison. Do they do everything in unison?

Kind of crazy that they’d ask some random person, but I liked the idea of spying on this pair through a camera lens. At the same time, I was about to drop dead from hunger and exhaustion. All I really wanted to do was fall into bed and crash.

“This is our Valentine’s Day gift to each other,” Natalie explained. “We’re making our own porn. That way neither of us has to feel like we’re being unfaithful if we watch it. Good idea, right?”

“But you don’t know me,” I found myself objecting. “Wouldn’t you be more comfortable doing this with a friend, or at least somebody you’ve met more than once?”

“No,” they replied in unison.

Natalie continued, “That’s exactly why we’re asking you. We couldn’t have sex in front of someone we knew, but we don’t know you so we wouldn’t mind. Plus, we know how open-minded you are, so you wouldn’t laugh at us.”

Elio chimed in, “And you wouldn’t get turned on because you’re....”

Natalie stomped on Elio’s foot to keep him from saying anything too stupid.

“A lesbian?” I asked flatly.

Why did everybody think that? Was it my clothes, my hair, or my toolbox?